Mad Love: Compatability

Series: Mad Love

Foundations for Compatabiltiy by Rick Shurtz, April 27, 2008

In this message, Rick talked about building foundations for love and compatibility in relationships, but he started with the analogy of foundations in a house. Let’s start there too.

1. Have you ever lived in a house (or do you now) where the builder did not do such a hot job on construction? If so, that probably means that something fell apart down the line. Has that happened to a house you lived in? Now’s the chance to get it off your chest: what’s your construction nightmare? (10 minutes)

2. Now let’s move the picture to how we construct our lives. As Rick said, we all have some sort of foundation – sometimes built intentionally, but often unthinking. Rick mentioned jobs and relationships as to examples. What are others? Try to list as many things as you can that people use for their foundation. (10 minutes)

3. As Rick said, we too can do a lousy job of build foundations for our relationships or for our lives, but not realize it until later. Try to relate this to your own life – either involving a relationship or not. Think back to some relatively early period in your life… 20’s, teens, or even childhood. Was there anything that you thought would be the answer to a happy, successful life? What was that? Do you still think so? If so, explain what has “held up” in your life since… and if not, discuss the types of things that change beliefs about how and where to build. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. The Bible passage below covers one of Jesus’ parables where he compares how we build our lives to building a house. He says that a poor foundation can’t hold up to the storms of life. Think about the “construction change” you discussed in the question above. Was there a storm in your life involved in that change? Or perhaps you’ve experienced a storm that changed your thinking in some other way. To the extent you’re comfortable, talk about a storm that has changed you in some way. (10 – 15 minutes)

5. Now take a couple of minutes to think back on the discussion so far: Are there any foundations that seem more solid? If so, discuss that. (5 – 10 minutes)

6. Wind up with some time to think about whether you could use a foundation check. Was there a point in the discussions when it felt like God might be suggesting some major foundation work… or maybe pointing out a crack here or there. Don’t leave without focusing on the problem for a minute… and thinking about real and practical next steps. Is there something you can do this week to improve your foundation? Stop for moment and ask God help you with the work… He likes doing joint construction projects and He IS a great builder. Make sure to note or write down any next steps you’ve planned. (5 minutes)

Jesus’ story about foundations:
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash. Matthew 7:24-27

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to Rick's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)
• Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships
• Gateway Support and Recovery Ministries has a Staying the Course in Marriage Divorce Prevention program.
• Gateway offers Biblically-based professional counseling with Merry Fiske, that can help with relationship and communication issues.
• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad Love: Conflict

Series: Mad Love
Dealing with Conflict by Ted Beasley, April 20, 2008
We’ve spent a few weeks talking about what creates “Mad Love”… the type of loving relationships that God wants for us. This week Ted looked at something that can seriously derail love: conflict.

1. Ted started by asking us whether we could think of any old photos of special, love-filled moments with people from our past. Think our your collection of photos (or maybe the ones that were in your collection before you tossed them…). Can you think of any photo that stands out as special? It might have been with a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or just captured you with another person/people in a special moment. Take a few minutes to talk about your favorite photo flash from the past. (10 minutes)

2. Opposite Day: Ted described an important “principle” from Jesus teachings called the “Law of Inversion”. It means that relationships in God’s economy are the opposite of those in our world… (“first will be last”, “give up everything and gain the world”, “humble will inherit”, and Jesus’ statement recorded by Matthew, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” - 16: 24-45). This is pretty powerful, shocking stuff. Is it true? Can you think of some real examples of the Law of Inversion in operation in your life or other people? If so, talk about that in the group. If not, talk about why you think the Law of Inversion doesn’t work. (10 minutes)

3. As Ted said, The Law of Inversion is often NOT the way most of us approach conflict in marriage - or any other relationship - loving or otherwise. Ted described a “need to win” mentality that many of us have when we get into a dispute. Why does that happen? What makes people want to “win” the battle, when it might make them “lose the war” in their relationships? (You don’t have to talk about this but, what about you? On a scale of 1 – 5, with 5 being the “MUST win at all cost” end, where would people who know you most likely put you?) (10 minutes)

4. Ted described five steps to better handle conflict in a relationship:

• Affirm the relationship (note how the relationships is important to you)


• Make observations, not accusations (describe events in terms of your reactions/feelings toward them – not the other person’s character… “when you do X, I feel Y”)


• Apologize, if appropriate


• Fight tactics, not people (if needed, note your feelings about the way the conversation is going and what is happening right then)


• End with a plan (how to avoid the conflict in the future)

For this part, divide into pairs. Then, with your discussion partner, take turns walking through each of the steps above and relate them to REAL conflict situations you’ve faced. If you can, try to think of situations where the step WAS there and how that effected the outcome. (i.e., can you think of a time when a “conflict discussion” started with something about the importance of the relationship? If so, how did that effect the discussion?) If you can’t think of an example, describe what happened in a conflict situation without that step. (please be careful here about identifying other people if the point is not flattering to them… disguised characters are fine). (20 minutes)

6. Next, in the group as a whole, go around and note any “best practices” that came out of the paired discussions. (5 - 10 minutes)

7. Take a couple of minutes to “end with a plan” for your approach to conflict. Maybe there is someone in your life that you’ve been trying to love, but doing it right side up rather than upside down? Do you need to do an Opposite Day with that person? Perhaps the “win at all costs” question hit really close to home for you: Do you need to have a conversation with God, and then someone else about that? Or maybe you need to test the Law of Inversion: Is there an opposite thing can you do this week – conflict or otherwise – that could test the Law of Inversion? Talk to God about this silently and if the Holy Spirit is prompting you to take some action – write down your plan for this week to take the next step. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message: (most from The Message version)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16: 24 – 25

Anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields—whatever—because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first. Matthew 19: 29 – 30

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

Jesus got them together to settle things down. "You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around," he said, "and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads. It's not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.” Mark 10:42-44

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. I Corinthians 13:3 – 8

Get more background and information:
You can download or listen to Ted's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)

Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships

Gateway Support and Recovery Ministries has a Staying the Course in Marriage Divorce Prevention program.

Gateway offers Biblically-based professional counseling with Merry Fiske, that can help with relationship and communication issues.

For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad Love: Committment

Series: Mad Love
Committment by John Burke, April 13, 2008
Continuing this series about building loving relationships, John talked about the make-it-or-break-it issue of commitment… something that’s missing in so many types of relationships.

1. John mentioned Chip Ingram’s book (see below) where he noted that a lot of our ideas about how love commitments happen come from movies, TV, songs, etc. Knock that around a little bit. Think of a movie/show/song about love relationships that you’ve seen/heard recently. What could someone “learn” about love commitments – how they happen… or not – from this? Talk about this for a few minutes. (5 - 10 minutes)

2. While John talked mostly about the big commitment of marriage, many people back away from even small commitments (i.e., go to a movie, help with something or someone, take on a small responsibility, etc). Think back over the last couple of weeks: Can you think of any point where either 1) you asked someone to commit to something big or small, 2) someone asked you to do that, or 3) you saw that played out with people you know? How did the “agreement” part go? What about the follow-through? Do you know, or can you speculate about the reasons involved? We’ll use your “example” here as the basis for part of the discussion below. (BTW - We all know that much of our lives feel like they are “over-committed” anyway… and we just can’t do more. We’re not talking about that. Rather, think about a request where it would have been possible to agree.)

- First, examples of someone not being willing to commit at all: talk about those types of situations. In the discussion, try to notice the reasons… in terms of either circumstances or personal style/preferences why the person involved did not to agree to do something they were asked to “commit” to. (think about both “given” as well as any “real” reasons).

- Next, talk about any examples where there was “agreement” but no follow-through. Outside of genuinely unavoidable events, why did you or others not act on the agreement?

- Now, what about the commitments that were “completed”, at least to the degree possible? Discuss what happened there: Were there any different circumstances or motivations? What made these commitments “work”?

Wrap up this part by thinking back over the discussion so far: Do you notice any common types of differences between the commitments that happen and those that don’t? Note these and then discuss any other reasons you think make it hard for people to make “commitments” in their lives. (20 - 25 minutes for all examples and discussion)

3. Now, let’s go back to loving relationships. Not all of us have been married, but most of us have had at least one important relationship where we were/are very committed – maybe to children, parents, or a friend if not a spouse. Think about any relationship you were/are genuinely, deeply, committed. Why? What makes you committed? Discuss only as much as you feel comfortable. (5 - 10 minutes)

4. John said that statistics show that “living together” actually decreases the chances for the people involved to have a lasting marriage. Any ideas about why that would be the case? Talk about that for awhile. (5 - 10 minutes)

5. Obviously we can only have a limited number of deeply committed relationships. But sometimes we want/need more than we have or the ones we have don’t really have all the “mad love” we want. Wrap up by thinking about your own relationships. As John said, God is our best teacher about loving relationships. John noted that God teaches that in REAL love there is: Commitment, No fear of judgment, No fear of abandonment, No fear of rejection, and No fear of external threats : (for specifics on this, check out the Bible verses below). John also compared Hollywood’s route to love with God’s:
“Hollywood’s” path to love: 1). Find the Right Person 2). Fall in Love emotionally, particularly when based on sexual energy 3). Fix all your hopes and dreams on that one person. 4). If failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.
God’s Path: 1). Become the right person. 2). Walk in love. 3). Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship. 4). If a failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3.
Are you on the path to love in your deep personal relationships? Do you feel like God is suggesting a path correction? If so, write that down along with one thing you can do this week to move to or along the path to God’s type of loving relationship. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

"Haven't you read, " [Jesus] replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6

He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:28-30

We know what real love is because Christ gave up his life for us. And so we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that [God’s] love has not been perfected in us. We love each other as a result of his loving us first. 1 John 4:18-19

God has said, ‘never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ Hebrews 13:5

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. Romans 15:7

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The Angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Romans 8:38-39

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us. Ephesians 5:1-2

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to John's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)
• Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships
• For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore
  

Been there, done that. Now what?: Intimacy

Series: Been there, done that. Now what?
Intimacy by John Burke - September 30, 2007

In this message, John talked about making real and deep connections with other people: intimacy. Since John made such a clear point that bringing God into relationships really opens the door for intimacy, why not start with praying individually and then together if you are in a group, inviting God to be with you and that each of you will have the security of God’s love as you genuinely relate to each other in the group today.

John pointed out how our “aloneness” is the source of so many of our problems in this life. We don’t’ want to do life alone, but really making a genuine connection with others is pretty intimidating. So, as a starting note: don’t be worried about it right now. No one is going to ask you to bare your soul. You might be asked to stretch and share… but in this discussion, you can be as safe as you want to be.

1. Before you get into some of the direct applications of John’s message, spend some time just talking about your impressions of what “intimacy” means. What do you think an intimate relationship is like? What words come to mind? (5 minutes)

2. Bet most of your descriptions of intimacy sound pretty good… something most people would want more of in their lives. So why is it so rare in our world? What are the things that keep us from having intimacy in our relationships? (5 minutes)

3. John described part of intimacy as being “sincere” and told how the root of that word is “without wax”. Do you have (or have you had ) a relationship that was “without wax”, where you felt most free to not cover up your cracks – and maybe also being OK with the other person’s cracks as well? Think about that relationship for a minutes and then think about what about the relationship made it possible to be “sincere”. Spend some time sharing the types of things that make intimacy possible. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. There are different sorts of relationship patterns we tend to get into that keep us from being “real”. John describes three different patterns: Superiority… looking down at others; Inferiority…. always trying to prove yourself to others, or Hiding … withdrawing from personal relationships. I would bet that nearly everyone has at least one of these tendencies. Which is yours? What does it “cost you”? Can you think of one example of how the type of response you tend toward has negatively affected your relationships in general? Take time for people to share as they would like. (10 minutes)

5. John described three things that help build intimate relationships: risking yourself, trusting that even if someone else hurts you, you are safe in God’s love, and then getting (and being) the encouragement to take another step. If you are discussing this in a Gateway group, or with a spiritual running partner – you have already taken the first step in building the type of intimacy that God planned for people that follow Christ. So, try to take another step tonight. Think about one thing, big or small, that could be keeping you from risking a little bit more of yourself… and share that. Take time to listen to each other, ask questions, and respond honestly (but with grace – if needed) to each others’ concerns. Encourage when you can. (20 – 25 minutes).

End by first spending a little bit of time with personal reflection. Is there some thing you can trust about God that can help you risk yourself more in your group? If so, write that down and ask God to build your view of Him in that way. Then pray with each other that you will each trust God and each other more in your group. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun… Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors… I observed yet another example of something meaningless under the sun. This is the case of a man who is all alone…who works hard to gain as much wealth as he can. But then he asks himself, “Who am I working for…It is all so meaningless and depressing.
Ecclesiastes 4:1-7

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If they fall down, they can help each other up. But pity those who fall and have no one to help them up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us…And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
1 John 4:10-12, 16

“But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”
1 John 4:18

Get more - go further:

Remember - each Sunday's message is available by5 PM on the day of the message. Past messages are also available for listneing and download. Just go to Gateway's Sunday Messages. Free CD's of the messages will be available after the services at Gateway the following Sunday.

Check out the following books and others that are relevant at Gateway's on-line Bookstore (and in the Gateway "Garage")

• Safest Place on Earth by Larry Crabb
• The Purpose Driven Life and God's Answers to Life's Difficult Questions by Rick Warren
• S.H.A.P.E.: Finding and Fulfilling Your Unique Purpose for Life by Erik Rees
• Breaking the Idols of Your Heart by Dan Allender
• Search for Significance by Robert McGee

Small Groups - Taste of Community "sampler" groups are starting soon. Or look for an on-going group to join at the Group Finder site.

One Body - Take a look at Gateway activities, lots of different ways to get involved at Gateway, along with a test to gauge your talents and spiritual gifts at the One Body Gateway website.

Way of Christ - spiritual growth resources at Way of Christ Next-Steps Website

Get an E-Life: eHarmony

Series: Get an E-Life
eHarmony by Ted Beasley - July 29, 2007

Finding the right person to share life with: How important and how difficult. It’s also pretty hard to discuss, because to talk about it personally means that we’d be talking about other people too. So to make sure there are no “conflicts of interest” in the discussion, let’s start with a focus switch. When you get to the application questions, you mostly WON’T talk about yourselves today. But since we need to talk about marriages, let’s do this: Take a couple of minutes and think of two marriages or serious relationships you know fairly well – but ones that involve people that no one in your discussion group will know or is likely to ever meet (i.e., your cousin in Milwaukee, an old college roommate, etc). One should be a couple you think “got it right” and the other, one that had/has real problems or maybe didn’t last. For most of the discussions you’ll use THESE couples as examples of what works and what doesn’t… and then, at the end, you’ll be able to apply lessons/insights personally in the group and/or with God. (Note: this will work better if you can think of examples where the relationships lasted some time and you have a pretty good sense of the nature of the relationships).

1. For now, we’ll start with some general ideas: First, what have YOU thought was the best route for someone to find Mr./Ms. “Right”?
a. Meet as many people as you can and hope someone clicks (and clicks back)
b. Be on constant watch and when you see a “target”… go for it.
c. Wait for God to bring the right person to your door
d. Keep looking in wider circles until you get a “hit”
e. Arranged marriages aren’t such a bad idea after all……
f. Other _______________________

Spend a bit of time in the group talking about what approaches people try to getting the right match.

How do web-matches fit in here? Have you ever used e-harmony or match.com… or do you know about it? Spend a couple of minutes in the group to talk about what is good and what is bad about using to web to try to find “THE person”. (10 minutes)

2. Ted talked about four types of compatibility that are essential in a good, lasting marriage:

Social – similar life styles and ways of operating – enjoy each other’s company
Sexual – physical intimacy that includes some sort of “soul bonding”
Spiritual – having similar spiritual commitments…running toward God together
Values – having similar core ideas about right and wrong

Now we’ll use your two “examples” to think about these areas of compatibility. If you are in a larger group, start by pairing off so you’ll have time to dig into what does and doesn’t work in a relationship.

Now, start with Social compatibility and think about your two example relationships. Were (are) the couples compatible in terms of their lives and what they liked and didn’t like? Take some time to share back and forth with your partner about how this part of the relationships affected each one. Write down any key observations for later discussion.

Next, what about Sexual compatibility? In your example relationships, to what degree was sex limited to the marriage (at least that you know). Do you know or sense whether there was genuinely open soul-bonding that went along with any physical bonding? How did this type of sexual bond (or lack thereof) effect the relationship? Discuss with your partner and again, note your observations.

Spiritual compatibility: How did the people in the relationships relate to each other spiritually? Did they have the same beliefs, the same levels of commitment, the same focus? Discuss again and note any key features.

And last but surely not least, what about Value compatibility? Can you identify any signs that your example couples did or didn’t share the same core values? Discuss and then note any lessons/insights on this as well.
(25 – 30 minutes total)

3. Now let’s bring it all together in the larger group. Go around and have each discussion pair note what was the most important area(s) of compatibility for the “good” relationships they discussed and what was the most damaging gap in the relationships that didn’t work. End with a discussion of any observations from all the pairs: Where there common conclusions? Were the important factors the same or different for the working and not working relationships? (10 – 15 minutes).

4. Let’s end with some personal reflection… did anything strike you during the discussions that you can use in your own life? If you are married or in a significant relationship, is there an area of compatibility you need to grow or repair? If you are not in a relationship, is there a change in the way you want to think about pursuing a relationship – if that’s what you want. What about in supporting any relationship of people close to you? Write down any commitments you want to make and then take a minute or two to ask God to show you how to follow through on the commitment. If needed, write down your first step and when you’ll take it. (2 - 5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:22

Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
Proverbs 15:17

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome [spouse].
Proverbs 25:24)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I Corinthians 13:5-7

God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.
I Thessalonians 4

The purposes of the human heart are deep waters, but those who have insight draw them out.
Proverbs 20:5

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
II Corinthians 6:14-15

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I Peter 3:3-4

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Check out relationship building resources at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website)


• Prior Sunday message is usual available by the Tuesday following the message (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive)

Get an E-Life: My Space

Series: Get an E-Life
My Space by Ted Beasley - July 22, 2007

Coming back from his sabbatical time and all the “space” he had over the last two months, Ted jumped right back in with a message about our circles of relationships – and My Space was the jumping in point. So let’s start there too.

1. Do you have your own space in My Space? If not, have you ever visited the website? Take 5-10 minutes just to talk about this virtual community: what it is, how it works, personal impressions…? (If you are doing this on-line – try checking out the site at http://www.myspace.com/ if you haven’t been there yet – but be sure to come back!).

2. Ted used the conclusion of (the apostle) Paul’s letter to the Romans as a way to describe the different levels of relationships that we experience . We’ll dive into some of those layers next, but for now, let’s focus on the feeling of loneliness that comes with thinking there are no real relationships. Ted quoted John Donne who wrote “No man is an island”. But don’t most of us feel like we are at times? Can you recall a time in your past when you felt very much like an island? Focus on that time and see if you can identify what changed your feelings. Spend some time in the group for people to share what helped them feel less alone. (If you are feeling that way now, we’ll talk about that very shortly.) (10 minutes)

3. Let’s take some time for you to map out your relationship space. Ted described four levels of relationship (from Edward Hall’s “Proximics”):
* Public – sharing an association but not personal interaction (i.e. fans of UT)
* Social – having a personal relationship without sharing really personal information (i.e., many of the people you work with or a social group)
* Personal – your closer “friends” with whom you share many things about each other (i.e., your personal histories, your likes and dislikes, your opinions)
* Intimate – those very close relationships where you share your heart, your flaws, your dreams (i.e., your “best” friend, your spouse, a close family member)

First, just stop and think for a minute or two about each one of these levels, one-by-one. Jot down some notes about who are the types of people (and specific people at the intimate level) who are in your space. Pair off and talk about your relationship map. Next, discuss the balance: are you OK with the numbers and people at the different circles? Based on the insights from your pair discussions, take about 5 minutes in the larger group to talk about the different ways our relationship circles can feel out of “balance”… (i.e., too many acquaintances but not enough close friends, or too many “close friends” to maintain, etc.) Finally, brainstorm in the group to talk about how to “rebalance” the circles: specifically addressing each one of the balance problems your group noted. (20 - 25 minutes total).

4. Now, let’s take some of these “lessons” from the group discussion and try to make it personal. Pair off again and talk specifically about each of person’s overall relationship net. If you could only change one part, what would it be? Brainstorm ideas with each other to the change you want. (You can consider some of the suggestions Ted included in his message like “welcoming” interruptions, stepping up to “be there” for someone you want to develop a personal relationship with, taking risks and sharing part of yourself in an intimate relationship.) (10 minutes)

5. During the message, Ted noted that Paul centered his own “My Space” with Jesus in the center. Then at the end of the message Ted mentioned that Paul had the “conviction of belonging”. Have you had that experience of having greater confidence because you have the right relationship connections? Having the right center can make you centered. In Isaiah 43, God says to His people “I have called you by name, you are Mine.” How about you? Where would Jesus put you on His My Space page? Take a couple of minutes thinking about whether you want to move closer into His relationship circle. End by stepping back and asking what God is telling you, about your relationship with him and/or with other people. Write down any changes you want to make happen – and if you feel comfortable (and a little bit brave), share that with your discussion partner. Write down an “appointment” time to talk to God more about this during the week. (5 - 7 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

Say hello to Priscilla and Aquila, who have worked hand in hand with me in serving Jesus. They once put their lives on the line for me. And I'm not the only one grateful to them. All the non-Jewish gatherings of believers also owe them plenty, to say nothing of the church that meets in their house. Hello to my dear friend Epenetus. He was the very first follower of Jesus in the province of Asia. Hello to Mary. What a worker she has turned out to be! Hello to my cousins Andronicus and Junias. We once shared a jail cell. They were believers in Christ before I was. Both of them are outstanding leaders. Hello to Ampliatus, my good friend in the family of God. Hello to Urbanus, our companion in Christ's work, and my good friend Stachys. Hello to Apelles, a tried-and-true veteran in following Christ. Hello to the family of Aristobulus. Hello to my cousin Herodion. Hello to those who belong to the Lord from the family of Narcissus. Hello to Tryphena and Tryphosa—such diligent women in serving the Master. Hello to Persis, a dear friend and hard worker in Christ. Hello to Rufus—a good choice by the Master!—and his mother. She has also been a dear mother to me. Hello to Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and also to all of their families. Hello to Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas— and all the followers of Jesus who live with them. Holy embraces all around!
Romans 16: 2 – 16

I, Paul, am a devoted slave of Jesus Christ on assignment, authorized as an apostle to proclaim God's words and acts. I write this letter to all the believers in Rome, God's friends.
Romans 1:1

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

I have called you by name, you are Mine. (NASV)
Isaiah 43:1

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Search for Belonging by Joseph Meyers (available at Gateway's Bookstore)


• Prior Sunday message usually available by the Tuesday following the message for listening or download at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive

ID: You Complete Me

Series: ID
Message Title: You Complete Me
Sunday's Date: March 25, 2007 - Ted Beasley
The message today zeroed in on how our real ID is all about relationship. No accident because, as Ted says, that’s why we were created. The only hitch is, we keep trying to get that connection that “completes us” in something/someone other than God.

1. Ted took us back to those school dances. Can you relate? Ever stood around thinking “pick me, pick me”? If not at a school dance, was there some other event (a club/organization, a sports team, a work group) where you felt the same way? Take a few minutes in your group to talk about the experience and what it felt like wanting to be picked. As you put yourself in the that situation mentally, do you think you were being “authentic” when you related to the other people involved, or were you putting forward your all your best parts – real maybe, but not the whole you? Just reflect on that for a minute or two and let anyone share who has an insight. (10 minutes)

2. Now, a reality check: Ted talked about how we might philosophically accept that God loves us with an unfailing love, but we have trouble believing it in the way we live our lives. Try to fill in the blank that Ted talked about: “Just in case God doesn’t come through for me, I’m counting on ___________ as a back-up.” (i.e., my children, my marriage, my job, my hobbies, my parents…). Now, to borrow a bit from Dr. Phil… “How’s that working for you?” Think about what life feels like when you are trying to fill that blank with something other than God. Write down any words that capture what life feels like when you are using that other thing as an insurance policy on fulfillment. Now, in the group, try to compile a list of the things we use fill in the blank – and a list of the words that describe the pursuit of those things. (10 minutes)

3. Next, let’s focus on the best of relationships. As Ted said – it is really hard to understand the Trinity – but maybe we can get a glimpse, if we think about our own best relationship experiences. We’ve all probably had moments when we were in a relationship “groove” - where it felt like there was a “flow” between us and another person or people. Maybe it was during a focused group activity – music, sports, or a school/work project – or maybe just in one of those special one-on-one moments. Try to identify a time when you were really connected with other(s). What did that feel like? Pair up in your groups for 10 minutes and – share your experience and then the two of you write down as many words as you can that capture the experience. Take some time to share your word list in your group. (15 minutes)

4. Now, lets try to pull all these thoughts together: the wanting to be picked, the looking for something/someone to complete us, the making genuine connection, and how we respond in those situations. We have a lot of word lists at this point: take a look at them all and see whether you can draw any conclusions about what feels “real”: real about being yourself and real about experiencing the best of life. What kinds of relationships make you feel most real? What kinds make you feel most constricted? Talk about any insights you have on this. (10 minutes)

5. Last question – and it’s a big one: Do you REALLY believe that God loves you with an impossible, longing, love – that He’d give anything to dance with you? If not (most of us fall in that category), can you think of a time, big or small, when you were VERY aware of His love for you? Did it feel like (to use Ted’s words…) God was coming after you – pursuing you? If you’ve had that kind of experience, then take some time to talk about it with the others? Also, note whether the experience caused you to change anything in your life. (10 minutes)

To wrap-up – take 5 minutes and just think about your “insurance policy’: what you rely on in case “God” doesn’t work out. How does that goal stack up with the times of knowing God’s love? If you feel like you’d like to put more effort into dancing with God, tell Him – right now. Listen and see what He tells you about your relationship – and write down any insight or next steps you get from this.


“What a person desires is unfailing love.”
Proverbs 19:22

“Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find?”
Proverbs 20:6:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
John 1:1

“I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does.”
John 5:19-20

“ Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."”
Isaiah 6: 2-3

“Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.”
Ephesians 1:3-6

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:6-7

“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.”
Revelation 19:7


Other Bible passages/verses related to the message:
Jeremiah 2, Ezekiel 8, Matthew 9:35f, Psalm 27.

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Want to see who you really are in Christ? Check out http://www.ficm.org/whoami.htm
• Books on the topic:
• To Be Told - Know Your Story Shape Your Future by Dan Allender
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
• Search for Significance by Robert McGee
• (all available at Gateway's Bookstore)
• Sunday messages available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (Sunday messages usually available by the following Tuesday)
• Don't forget to work on/finish the ID Timeline (PDF format) from the first message in this series