Mad Love: Conflict

Series: Mad Love
Dealing with Conflict by Ted Beasley, April 20, 2008
We’ve spent a few weeks talking about what creates “Mad Love”… the type of loving relationships that God wants for us. This week Ted looked at something that can seriously derail love: conflict.

1. Ted started by asking us whether we could think of any old photos of special, love-filled moments with people from our past. Think our your collection of photos (or maybe the ones that were in your collection before you tossed them…). Can you think of any photo that stands out as special? It might have been with a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or just captured you with another person/people in a special moment. Take a few minutes to talk about your favorite photo flash from the past. (10 minutes)

2. Opposite Day: Ted described an important “principle” from Jesus teachings called the “Law of Inversion”. It means that relationships in God’s economy are the opposite of those in our world… (“first will be last”, “give up everything and gain the world”, “humble will inherit”, and Jesus’ statement recorded by Matthew, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” - 16: 24-45). This is pretty powerful, shocking stuff. Is it true? Can you think of some real examples of the Law of Inversion in operation in your life or other people? If so, talk about that in the group. If not, talk about why you think the Law of Inversion doesn’t work. (10 minutes)

3. As Ted said, The Law of Inversion is often NOT the way most of us approach conflict in marriage - or any other relationship - loving or otherwise. Ted described a “need to win” mentality that many of us have when we get into a dispute. Why does that happen? What makes people want to “win” the battle, when it might make them “lose the war” in their relationships? (You don’t have to talk about this but, what about you? On a scale of 1 – 5, with 5 being the “MUST win at all cost” end, where would people who know you most likely put you?) (10 minutes)

4. Ted described five steps to better handle conflict in a relationship:

• Affirm the relationship (note how the relationships is important to you)


• Make observations, not accusations (describe events in terms of your reactions/feelings toward them – not the other person’s character… “when you do X, I feel Y”)


• Apologize, if appropriate


• Fight tactics, not people (if needed, note your feelings about the way the conversation is going and what is happening right then)


• End with a plan (how to avoid the conflict in the future)

For this part, divide into pairs. Then, with your discussion partner, take turns walking through each of the steps above and relate them to REAL conflict situations you’ve faced. If you can, try to think of situations where the step WAS there and how that effected the outcome. (i.e., can you think of a time when a “conflict discussion” started with something about the importance of the relationship? If so, how did that effect the discussion?) If you can’t think of an example, describe what happened in a conflict situation without that step. (please be careful here about identifying other people if the point is not flattering to them… disguised characters are fine). (20 minutes)

6. Next, in the group as a whole, go around and note any “best practices” that came out of the paired discussions. (5 - 10 minutes)

7. Take a couple of minutes to “end with a plan” for your approach to conflict. Maybe there is someone in your life that you’ve been trying to love, but doing it right side up rather than upside down? Do you need to do an Opposite Day with that person? Perhaps the “win at all costs” question hit really close to home for you: Do you need to have a conversation with God, and then someone else about that? Or maybe you need to test the Law of Inversion: Is there an opposite thing can you do this week – conflict or otherwise – that could test the Law of Inversion? Talk to God about this silently and if the Holy Spirit is prompting you to take some action – write down your plan for this week to take the next step. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message: (most from The Message version)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” Matthew 16: 24 – 25

Anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields—whatever—because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first. Matthew 19: 29 – 30

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

Jesus got them together to settle things down. "You've observed how godless rulers throw their weight around," he said, "and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads. It's not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave.” Mark 10:42-44

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. I Corinthians 13:3 – 8

Get more background and information:
You can download or listen to Ted's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)

Check out Chip Ingram' book Love Sex, and Lasting Relationships

Gateway Support and Recovery Ministries has a Staying the Course in Marriage Divorce Prevention program.

Gateway offers Biblically-based professional counseling with Merry Fiske, that can help with relationship and communication issues.

For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore