Get an E-Life: eHarmony

Series: Get an E-Life
eHarmony by Ted Beasley - July 29, 2007

Finding the right person to share life with: How important and how difficult. It’s also pretty hard to discuss, because to talk about it personally means that we’d be talking about other people too. So to make sure there are no “conflicts of interest” in the discussion, let’s start with a focus switch. When you get to the application questions, you mostly WON’T talk about yourselves today. But since we need to talk about marriages, let’s do this: Take a couple of minutes and think of two marriages or serious relationships you know fairly well – but ones that involve people that no one in your discussion group will know or is likely to ever meet (i.e., your cousin in Milwaukee, an old college roommate, etc). One should be a couple you think “got it right” and the other, one that had/has real problems or maybe didn’t last. For most of the discussions you’ll use THESE couples as examples of what works and what doesn’t… and then, at the end, you’ll be able to apply lessons/insights personally in the group and/or with God. (Note: this will work better if you can think of examples where the relationships lasted some time and you have a pretty good sense of the nature of the relationships).

1. For now, we’ll start with some general ideas: First, what have YOU thought was the best route for someone to find Mr./Ms. “Right”?
a. Meet as many people as you can and hope someone clicks (and clicks back)
b. Be on constant watch and when you see a “target”… go for it.
c. Wait for God to bring the right person to your door
d. Keep looking in wider circles until you get a “hit”
e. Arranged marriages aren’t such a bad idea after all……
f. Other _______________________

Spend a bit of time in the group talking about what approaches people try to getting the right match.

How do web-matches fit in here? Have you ever used e-harmony or match.com… or do you know about it? Spend a couple of minutes in the group to talk about what is good and what is bad about using to web to try to find “THE person”. (10 minutes)

2. Ted talked about four types of compatibility that are essential in a good, lasting marriage:

Social – similar life styles and ways of operating – enjoy each other’s company
Sexual – physical intimacy that includes some sort of “soul bonding”
Spiritual – having similar spiritual commitments…running toward God together
Values – having similar core ideas about right and wrong

Now we’ll use your two “examples” to think about these areas of compatibility. If you are in a larger group, start by pairing off so you’ll have time to dig into what does and doesn’t work in a relationship.

Now, start with Social compatibility and think about your two example relationships. Were (are) the couples compatible in terms of their lives and what they liked and didn’t like? Take some time to share back and forth with your partner about how this part of the relationships affected each one. Write down any key observations for later discussion.

Next, what about Sexual compatibility? In your example relationships, to what degree was sex limited to the marriage (at least that you know). Do you know or sense whether there was genuinely open soul-bonding that went along with any physical bonding? How did this type of sexual bond (or lack thereof) effect the relationship? Discuss with your partner and again, note your observations.

Spiritual compatibility: How did the people in the relationships relate to each other spiritually? Did they have the same beliefs, the same levels of commitment, the same focus? Discuss again and note any key features.

And last but surely not least, what about Value compatibility? Can you identify any signs that your example couples did or didn’t share the same core values? Discuss and then note any lessons/insights on this as well.
(25 – 30 minutes total)

3. Now let’s bring it all together in the larger group. Go around and have each discussion pair note what was the most important area(s) of compatibility for the “good” relationships they discussed and what was the most damaging gap in the relationships that didn’t work. End with a discussion of any observations from all the pairs: Where there common conclusions? Were the important factors the same or different for the working and not working relationships? (10 – 15 minutes).

4. Let’s end with some personal reflection… did anything strike you during the discussions that you can use in your own life? If you are married or in a significant relationship, is there an area of compatibility you need to grow or repair? If you are not in a relationship, is there a change in the way you want to think about pursuing a relationship – if that’s what you want. What about in supporting any relationship of people close to you? Write down any commitments you want to make and then take a minute or two to ask God to show you how to follow through on the commitment. If needed, write down your first step and when you’ll take it. (2 - 5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:22

Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
Proverbs 15:17

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome [spouse].
Proverbs 25:24)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I Corinthians 13:5-7

God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.
I Thessalonians 4

The purposes of the human heart are deep waters, but those who have insight draw them out.
Proverbs 20:5

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
II Corinthians 6:14-15

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I Peter 3:3-4

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Check out relationship building resources at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website)


• Prior Sunday message is usual available by the Tuesday following the message (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive)

Get an E-Life: My Space

Series: Get an E-Life
My Space by Ted Beasley - July 22, 2007

Coming back from his sabbatical time and all the “space” he had over the last two months, Ted jumped right back in with a message about our circles of relationships – and My Space was the jumping in point. So let’s start there too.

1. Do you have your own space in My Space? If not, have you ever visited the website? Take 5-10 minutes just to talk about this virtual community: what it is, how it works, personal impressions…? (If you are doing this on-line – try checking out the site at http://www.myspace.com/ if you haven’t been there yet – but be sure to come back!).

2. Ted used the conclusion of (the apostle) Paul’s letter to the Romans as a way to describe the different levels of relationships that we experience . We’ll dive into some of those layers next, but for now, let’s focus on the feeling of loneliness that comes with thinking there are no real relationships. Ted quoted John Donne who wrote “No man is an island”. But don’t most of us feel like we are at times? Can you recall a time in your past when you felt very much like an island? Focus on that time and see if you can identify what changed your feelings. Spend some time in the group for people to share what helped them feel less alone. (If you are feeling that way now, we’ll talk about that very shortly.) (10 minutes)

3. Let’s take some time for you to map out your relationship space. Ted described four levels of relationship (from Edward Hall’s “Proximics”):
* Public – sharing an association but not personal interaction (i.e. fans of UT)
* Social – having a personal relationship without sharing really personal information (i.e., many of the people you work with or a social group)
* Personal – your closer “friends” with whom you share many things about each other (i.e., your personal histories, your likes and dislikes, your opinions)
* Intimate – those very close relationships where you share your heart, your flaws, your dreams (i.e., your “best” friend, your spouse, a close family member)

First, just stop and think for a minute or two about each one of these levels, one-by-one. Jot down some notes about who are the types of people (and specific people at the intimate level) who are in your space. Pair off and talk about your relationship map. Next, discuss the balance: are you OK with the numbers and people at the different circles? Based on the insights from your pair discussions, take about 5 minutes in the larger group to talk about the different ways our relationship circles can feel out of “balance”… (i.e., too many acquaintances but not enough close friends, or too many “close friends” to maintain, etc.) Finally, brainstorm in the group to talk about how to “rebalance” the circles: specifically addressing each one of the balance problems your group noted. (20 - 25 minutes total).

4. Now, let’s take some of these “lessons” from the group discussion and try to make it personal. Pair off again and talk specifically about each of person’s overall relationship net. If you could only change one part, what would it be? Brainstorm ideas with each other to the change you want. (You can consider some of the suggestions Ted included in his message like “welcoming” interruptions, stepping up to “be there” for someone you want to develop a personal relationship with, taking risks and sharing part of yourself in an intimate relationship.) (10 minutes)

5. During the message, Ted noted that Paul centered his own “My Space” with Jesus in the center. Then at the end of the message Ted mentioned that Paul had the “conviction of belonging”. Have you had that experience of having greater confidence because you have the right relationship connections? Having the right center can make you centered. In Isaiah 43, God says to His people “I have called you by name, you are Mine.” How about you? Where would Jesus put you on His My Space page? Take a couple of minutes thinking about whether you want to move closer into His relationship circle. End by stepping back and asking what God is telling you, about your relationship with him and/or with other people. Write down any changes you want to make happen – and if you feel comfortable (and a little bit brave), share that with your discussion partner. Write down an “appointment” time to talk to God more about this during the week. (5 - 7 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

Say hello to Priscilla and Aquila, who have worked hand in hand with me in serving Jesus. They once put their lives on the line for me. And I'm not the only one grateful to them. All the non-Jewish gatherings of believers also owe them plenty, to say nothing of the church that meets in their house. Hello to my dear friend Epenetus. He was the very first follower of Jesus in the province of Asia. Hello to Mary. What a worker she has turned out to be! Hello to my cousins Andronicus and Junias. We once shared a jail cell. They were believers in Christ before I was. Both of them are outstanding leaders. Hello to Ampliatus, my good friend in the family of God. Hello to Urbanus, our companion in Christ's work, and my good friend Stachys. Hello to Apelles, a tried-and-true veteran in following Christ. Hello to the family of Aristobulus. Hello to my cousin Herodion. Hello to those who belong to the Lord from the family of Narcissus. Hello to Tryphena and Tryphosa—such diligent women in serving the Master. Hello to Persis, a dear friend and hard worker in Christ. Hello to Rufus—a good choice by the Master!—and his mother. She has also been a dear mother to me. Hello to Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and also to all of their families. Hello to Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas— and all the followers of Jesus who live with them. Holy embraces all around!
Romans 16: 2 – 16

I, Paul, am a devoted slave of Jesus Christ on assignment, authorized as an apostle to proclaim God's words and acts. I write this letter to all the believers in Rome, God's friends.
Romans 1:1

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

I have called you by name, you are Mine. (NASV)
Isaiah 43:1

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Search for Belonging by Joseph Meyers (available at Gateway's Bookstore)


• Prior Sunday message usually available by the Tuesday following the message for listening or download at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive

Follow

Follow
by Vince Antonucci - July 15, 2007

Today’s message was all about following Jesus. Vince pointed out that one of the things Jesus said over and over, to so many different people was “Follow Me”. OK, but what did He mean by that? (...and as Vince asked, How do you DO that when you can’t actually see Him?!)

1. For starters, let’s look at some misconceptions about what following Jesus means. Which of the following might you have checked as a definition of what it means to “Follow Jesus”?

____ Walking the “straight and narrow’
____ Doing lots of “church” stuff
____ Never sinning
____ Giving up all the things you like to do
____ Going to work as a missionary in Africa

Spend a few minutes kicking around why it’s common to think of some of these things – or other discriptions of what it means to follow Jesus. (5 - 10 minutes)

2. To explain one of God’s “specialties”, Vince talked about the story of creation in Genesis. He noted that God “hovered” and then dove into the formless, empty, lifeless universe to bring light, order, and beauty. One of the places Jesus leads us is into the darkness and chaos of our own lives and sometimes other people’s lives as well. So, what can we learn from that? Let’s try an example that is not directly spiritual. Have you ever worked under a leader/boss/teacher who brought order and light to a chaotic and/or dark situation? How did that effect your motivation? Would you want to work for/with that person again? Pair off, and with your partner, relate an experience with leadership, your reaction at the time, and your feelings about it now. (If you haven’t had a good experience, then try to look for lessons in a bad experience.) (10 minutes). Then in the group as a whole, identify the types of qualities that are needed to turn situations around. Once you’ve done that, take a little bit of time talking about whether Jesus has those qualities. (10 minutes)

3. In the message, Vince noted that when Jesus was physically on the earth, people who followed Him of often did so despite being “astonished and afraid” (Mark 10:32). Clearly Jesus was calling them to do things that were different from what would have come naturally to them. To follow like that takes both faith and courage. Hearing others people’s “following” experiences, and remembering our own, can help us build our faith and courage. So, let’s take some time to share some stories. Pair off again and share with a partner some time you followed Jesus, maybe in spite of not understanding why or while being astonished or afraid of the direction. What was the outcome? If you don't have that sort of experince, have you every heard some direction from Jesus and not followed? What was that like? (10 – 15 minutes). In the larger group, take 5 – 10 minutes to share some particularly encouraging or significant stories.

4. In the message, Vince gave some examples of sensing Jesus’ direction to do or not do things. This can be a tough area to get into, because we don’t actually “hear” voices…(or I hope not...). So, how can we go about judging whether our sensing is Jesus-led vs. just “hearing what we want to hear” ? Spend some time discussing this one, because it is an important yet precarious question. (10 minutes)

5. Jesus told a story about sheep following the “good” shepherd: Him – and said that His sheep “listen to my voice” (John 10: 1- 16). What are ways we can better get to know Jesus’ voice? Vince mentioned one of his own ways of hearing Jesus’ leading is by taking time to be with Him every day. This is certainly a way to get to know what Jesus “sounds like”. In the group, discuss other successful ways of turning up the volume and tuning in on Jesus’ voice in our lives. (10 minutes)

6. So, how about you? Take a couple of minutes to reflect on all this. Have you sensed Jesus’ voice today or during Vince’s message? What was He saying to you? If you sense any areas in your life where He’s asking you to follow, write that down. Or maybe you feel motivated to try to hear His voice better. If you know how, write that down as well. Also write down a day and time this week to come back and begin moving… either following or turning up the volume on Jesus voice – or both. (3 -5 minutes)

Bible verses from or related to the message:

They were on their way up to Jerusalem with Jesus leading the way, and the disciples were astonished while those who followed were afraid.
Mark 10: 32

But Jesus told him, “Follow me”.
Matthew 8:22

“Take up his cross daily and follow me”
Luke 9:23:

“Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.”
Matthew 4:19

When Jeus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life"
John 8:12

“He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.”
John 10: 3b

“When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them because his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”
John 10: 4

They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and on shepherd.
John 10: 16b

Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life.
Deuteronomy 30: 19b – 20a

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Resource Title (available at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website)


• Prior Sunday message on date (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive)

God in Sandals – Speaking Truth

Series: God in Sandals
Speaking Truth by Rick Shurtz, July 8, 2007

In the message this Sunday, Rick talked about how Jesus’ message was so radically different from the conventional wisdom of His time… and so radically different from the culture and beliefs of our own time as well. Rick also emphasized how disturbing Jesus’ message can be at times. But Jesus loves us enough to disturb us when we become comfortable in ways that are upside down to the real “best” He offers us.

Though this is not essential to your answers, it could be fun to start by reviewing the story of Rick’s Three Day War (against the ants) – particularly if there was anyone in the group who did not hear Rick’s message. Ultimately the ants “lost” because they were driven by their attraction for the ant bait. Will take up that theme later in the questions.

1. Let’s start by trying to get a picture of what happens when people “bring bad tidings” … even if the news is true. Think back over the last month (or longer): Can you remember any situation where someone (maybe you) delivered an “unwelcome” message that was true – or even just possibly true? How did other people react? Spend a few minutes sharing experiences and then try to summarize the types of responses that are common when people tell/get unwanted information.

2. So what about you? Have you ever been the target of information that you were not happy to hear, but turned out to be true and useful? What was you first reaction? Did you thinking change? When did you think differently - and why? Take some time to discuss any experiences and observations what changes “bad” news into good news.

3. In most cases, most of us don’t like to be “disturbed” by unwelcome truths. But as Rick pointed out – Jesus kept on disturbing people. One way He turned things upside down is by promising that “the first would be last, and the last first”. Spend some time in the group, talking about that: What are things that make someone “first” in this world? What about the things that make some people “last”? Discuss this for a few minutes and make two lists if there are several different answers. Next, list the things that will make someone “first” in the long-term of eternity? Discuss any differences across your lists.

4. Another very clear example of Jesus giving a radical message is His conversation with the “rich young man” (see story below in Bible verses). Jesus put a laser beam on the very thing that was keeping this guy from having real life and happiness and then prescribed radical surgery. Let’s try our own test. Think for a moment: Can you identify something that was a really big disappointment for you at some point in your life? Write that down. Now spend some time thinking about what you had hoped for that made the outcome you got so “disappointing”? Is this something you still hope for? Of if you have it, do you cling to it? Write down any observations and then share in the group as you’d like.

5. We’ll end by going back to one of the lessons of Rick’s ant war. Remember, the ants lost because they were attracted to the wrong thing – something they thought was good, but ended up being the source of their extermination. Let’s consider a disturbing question: Are you grasping onto or grasping after something(s) that you hope will give you life and happiness, but might actually take life away? If so, write down what you are thinking, then write down a time this week when you can come back and talk to God more about what to do – particularly if you are thinking you might need some radical surgery. (To soften any disturbing “bad” news about surgery, be sure to take a look at the good news Jesus give you in John 16:4 at the bottom of the Bible verses below).

Bible verses from this message

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him. He fell on his knees before Jesus. "Good teacher," he said, "what must I do to receive eternal life?"
"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good except God. You know what the commandments say. 'Do not commit murder. Do not commit adultery. Do not steal. Do not give false witness. Do not cheat. Honor your father and mother.' " (Exodus 20:12-16; Deuteronomy 5:16-20). "Teacher," he said, "I have obeyed all those commandments since I was a boy."
Jesus looked at him and loved him. "You are missing one thing," he said. "Go and sell everything you have. Give the money to those who are poor. You will have treasure in heaven. Then come and follow me."
Mark 10: 17 - 21

…whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the good news will save it.
Mark 8:35

…many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.
Mark 10:31

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
Matthew 7:13-14

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack, he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
Mark 10:21

If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.
Mark 9:44
(PARAPHRASE: If you hold in your little pincher something that keeps you from God, better to do without pinchers than to miss out on all the good God wants to give you.)

But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
Matthew 19:30

…whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even Christ himself did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Mark 10:45

Jesus said, “I am…the life.”
John 14:6

Related Next-Step Resources:

• The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancy (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Jesus the One and Only by Beth Moore (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Experiencing the Heart of Jesus by Max Lucado (available at Gateway Bookstore)
  

Want more... or something different?

Check out more information about Christianity at Knowing God available at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website

Prior Sunday message on date (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive) (the most recent Sunday message is usually available by the following Tuesday at this site)

God in Sandals: Friendship

Series: God in Sandals
by Betty Blake Churchill, July 1, 2007

Today Betty Blake give us some pictures of good friendships, with other people here, and also with Jesus. So, the questions today will focus both on having and being a friend in the world and spiritually.

1. Betty Blake started by talking about a widespread “measure” of friendship: being a bridesmaids or groomsmen. So, just to have a little fun, let’s start there: Have you ever had a really special or amusing or irritating bridesmaid or groomsman episode? Take about 5 minutes for one or two people who have had a personal significant story about wedding roles, clothes, bridzillas, or wedding heroics (or something else….) to tell the story. (5 minutes)

2. Now, let’s turn to what friendship looks like in more “normal” circumstances. Think of someone that you put high on your “friend” list. What about them makes you want to call them “friend”? Write down any words that come to mind, and then, in the group, brainstorm and try to come up with as many features of friendship as you can. (10 minutes)

3. Now, what about Jesus? What do you think of the idea of Jesus being a “friend” to us? Does this seem realistic? Why or why not? Spend some time discussing the concept of friendship with Jesus. (5-10 minutes)

4. Now, lets get specific. Going back to your list of the features of a friend, take each one (or some of the most key if you have a long list) and think about what you know about Jesus. Can you think of examples of the way He has already demonstrated each characteristic of friendship for us– either during His time in the flesh on earth – or in your own life? (15 minutes)

5. Next, we’ll turn the tables: Betty Blake says God is all about having a relationship with us (amazingly!). Is “Friend” one of the term that you would use for your relationship with Jesus? Since he is God and we’re not, there are surely some gaps on our side of the friendship equation. But spend some time talking about the ways in which you ARE a “friend” to Jesus, and ways you are not. (Use your list of “friend” features, if that helps – AND maybe you want to work in pairs on this one if you have a large group.) (10 minutes)

6. We’ll end with some personal reflection: During the discussion, was there some aspect of the idea of “friendship” with Jesus that you felt God touch your heart about? Maybe something you wanted to experience but haven’t? Or maybe there is some feature of friendship that you’d like to know more? Or perhaps a way you want to more of a friend to Jesus? Take 2-3 personal minutes to pray and think. If there is something about your friend Jesus that you want to reflect on more, write that down AND also write down a 15 minutes time block in the coming week when you will come back to these notes to study, think, and/or pray.

Bible verses from the message:

Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death--and the worst kind of death at that: a crucifixion.
Philippians 2: 5-8

This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. You are my friends when you do the things I command you. I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father.
John 15: 12 – 17

The person who knows my commandments and keeps them, that's who loves me. And the person who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and make myself plain to him.
John 14:21

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care--then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself…
Philippians 2: 1-5


Other relevant Bible verses:

A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17a

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, b ut an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverb s 27:6

The Lord would speak to Moses face to face as a man speaks with his friend.
Exodus 33: 11a

"Abraham... was called God's friend."
James 2:23b


Related Next-Step Resources:

• The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancy (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Jesus the One and Only by Beth Moore (available at Gateway Bookstore)
• Experiencing the Heart of Jesus by Max Lucado (available at Gateway Bookstore)
  

Want more... or something different?

Check out more information about Christianity at Knowing God available at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website

Prior Sunday message on date (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive) (the most recent Sunday message is usually available by the following Tuesday at this site)