Mad Love: Flexibility

Series: Mad Love
Flexibility by John Burke, April 6, 2008

Last week John talked about how listening and understanding love languages helps build loving relationships – this week his focus was on being open to change.

1. Let’s start with a flashback to last week: If you were in a group discussion, the wrap up asked you to identify and change something about the way you listen to others, or way you use the “love language” of someone close to you – and to try to apply that change in the last week. How did that go? Did anyone use another person's “love language” or listen differently? How did that turn out? (10 mintues)

2. In this week's message, John talked about something that makes it difficult to be flexible in our relationships: our “rules” ... those things we learned along the way… often from our family of birth, that we unconsciously think of as absolute truths. John’s said one of his rules was “a dirty car means you don’t care”. Can you think of a “rule” you learned from your parent(s) that you later realized was not actually written down by God in the 10 commandments? How do you deal with that rule now? (Your can’t count the ones you couldn’t wait to lose … try to think of rules you actually “believed” and then later may have changed your thinking about.). Once you’ve got your rule in mind, think about what made you change your approach to the rule. Spend some time checking out each others’ rules and how they've changed. (10 – 15 minutes)

3. Now transfer this thinking to someone else: Have you ever lived with someone in close proximity (marriage, roommate, brother, sister, etc.) who had a “rule” that drove you crazy? Pick one and think about how you dealt with it: Did you just accept it? Bite your tongue and roll your eyes? Did they change? A compromise? Something else? Describe these relationship episodes in the group. (10 – 15 minutes)

4. Now, think back about the discussion over the last two questions: Considering all the stories, what sorts of things led to greater flexibility in dealing with rules... by you or by others? The list below has suggestions from John's message on ways to change. It may prompt some thoughts about what makes people more flexible?
- Adapting to differences
- Changing rules
- Humble yourself
- Changing roles and expectations
- Change your attitude
(10 minutes)

5. Now, let’s get kind of personal… are there any rules YOU have now that maybe drive the people around YOU crazy? Can you think of one of those? Or maybe you have a rule that stands between you and making or building better relationships. Take some time for those in the group who are comfortable, to talk about their rules that could be hard on relationships. (10 minutes)

6. Close by taking some time for some personal reflection on your rules. Have you thought of any rule, yours or others, where your rule (or your attitude to someone else’s rule) could be standing in the way of a more loving, more enjoyable relationship with that person? If so, write that down. Then think about the things the group discussed that help people be more flexible. Could any of those apply to your situation? Would you like to do what John suggested and make a decision to change your approach? If so, ask God to give you His grace to make the change you want and His perspective about the “rules”. If you can’t think of any rules that apply here, pray that God will bring to mind any rules that could be keeping you from giving and getting the love you want. (5 minutes)

Bible verses from the message:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Mark 10:7-8

All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:5-6

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Be joyful always. 1 Thessalonians 5:16

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15:11

But when the [God’s] Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace…. Galatians 5:22

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious--the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (Message Bible)

Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching…you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

Get more background and information:

• You can download or listen to John's message at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive (and other messages too)


• For more information about love languages you can read Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman


• Search for other topics you want to know more about at the Gateway Bookstore

Mad love quiz (from John's message)
Background
Our family growing up tended to be:
A) Rigid B) Somewhat Rigid C) Flexible D) Very Flexible E) Overly Flexible

My Thoughts
If you heard all of my thoughts, you’d say they were:
A) Mostly Negative & Critical B) Often Negative & Critical C) Sometimes Positive & Believing the Best D) Mostly Positive & Believing the Best

What I hear in my head when I mess up is:
A) Personally Condemning B)Self Critical C) Neutral D) Comforting E) Reassuring and Hopeful