Getting Past the Past: Grief and Loss

Getting Past the Past
Grief and Loss by John Burke, October 14, 2007

As we begin a new series on Getting Past the Past, this Sunday John focused on Grief and Loss. His theme was that God’s plan for dealing with grief is different from what so many people’s experience – and as a result, there is a lot of lingering pain from the losses we have experienced in our lives. As John told us, “if you don’t deal with painful loss in healthy ways, it will forever deal with you.” Naturally, this means that there could be some deep wounds among you and this could be a difficult topic for some people to discuss. So, please, before you start any discussion, pray that the Lord will be with you as a protector and comforter during your discussions. As always – no one should share beyond what they feel comfortable doing.

1. John noted that one of the standard ways “the world” approaches grief is play or want others to play “The Quiet Game” – don’t talk about it. What other kinds of messages do people get/give about grief? (5 - 10 minutes)

2. John’s messages stressed that there are helpful and hurtful ways of dealing with loss. Let’s take a look at these. Try to think of two different people you know who have faced loss, but come through it in different ways – one with significant healing and the other with little or no resolution. Think for a minute about what made the two people/experiences different from each other. Then in the group, explore the two different types of experiences. (There will be questions about your own experiences later, so for now, try to think of other people ). First, from what you know or think, what was the “healing” experiences like: What was the person like who came through a loss in a positive way (or at least not with significant emotional scars). What types of things did they do or not do? Next, what about the person who was up-ended by their loss: What was their experience like? What are/were they like? What did they do or not do? Once you have discussed each type of experience, try to summarize any common features for each type of loss reactions. (Note – you may need to spend a bit of time describing a circumstance, but do be a brief as you can and please don’t identify or violate any person’s confidentiality – try to keep the descriptions general. Also, remember that there are many types of losses that we can experience.) (15 - 20 minutes)

3. John outlined five guidelines for dealing with loss:

• Grieve the loss: (“You can’t heal if you don’t feel.” “God’s path past the pain is to grieve it.”)
• Review the loss: (Stay with it… don’t just run for something to make the hurt go away.)
• Grieve in community: (Don’t go undercover, allow others in and be there for someone else.)
• Lean into God’s healing: (Be honest with God about your loss and pain, and be determined to stay close to Him because He cares about your loss.)
• Hope in God: (Trust that there is new life and healing in Him).
  

Go back through the list above and see whether you can see any parallels between this list and the discussion in Question 2. Note the similarities and differences. (10 minutes)

4. If you are in a larger group, break pairs or triads for this question. Most people have had some sort of loss in their lives – whether one of several, big or small. Focus on a loss that you have had, how you dealt with it, who was involved. Are there any ways that your experiences fits either of the lists the group identified in the first questions? Finally, do you think/feel that the loss is healed? Share any thoughts on insights with the others. If you feel like there is still more healing needed – think through John’s list and write down any part of the solution to grief that you think might be missing in your own experience. (15 - 20 minutes)

5. In the group as a whole, spend some time discussing some practical ways to live through John's guidelines for dealing with loss. Based on all the discussions and other knowledge – what steps can someone take to either get positive relief form their own loss, or support someone else in getting healing? (10 minutes)

6. Close by having some time for personal reflection. Is there a pain from loss in your life that God has spoken to you about today? If not you, is there someone else whose grief the Lord has put on your heart? In either case, ask God whether He is leading you to take some action? If so, write down your own “next step” for this week. If need/want support in your steps, be sure to look at the Next Step resources below. If you can, ask you group for prayer and any other support you need to help others or step toward healing yourself. (5 minutes)


Bible verses from the message:

Grieve not as those who have no hope.
I Thessalonians 4:13

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.
Ecclesiastes 7:3-4

Jesus wept.
John 11:35

The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over.
Deuteronomy 34

Mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15

“I have called you by name, you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.”
Isaiah 43:1-2

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8

God is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5

“Trust in God, trust also in me…"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world ."
John 14:1, 16:33

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
Revelation 21:4

Get more - go further:

John's suggestions from Delores Keening's Helping People Through Grief book:

• Acknowledge the loss
• Give permission to grieve
• Encourage the person to talk
• Offer practical help
• Follow up monthly for the first year

Other books are available at the Gateway Bookstore on-line or in the Garage. Consider

• A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
• A Grace Disguised, How the Soul Grows through Loss by Jerry Sittser

A Grief Support Group is begining for those who have experienced the death o f a loved one. The group will meet on Monday's 6:30 - 8pm for 8 weeks starting October 29th. E-mail GriefSupport@gatewaychurch.com for info.

Profesisonal Counseling: Biblically-based, professional counseling is available for those seeking healing. For inormation contact Merry Fiske at merry@gatewaychurch.com.

Remember - each Sunday's message is available by 5 PM on the day of the message. Past messages are also available for listening and download. Just go to Gateway's Sunday Messages. Free CD's of the messages will be available after the services at Gateway the following Sunday.