Get an E-Life: eHarmony

Series: Get an E-Life
eHarmony by Ted Beasley - July 29, 2007

Finding the right person to share life with: How important and how difficult. It’s also pretty hard to discuss, because to talk about it personally means that we’d be talking about other people too. So to make sure there are no “conflicts of interest” in the discussion, let’s start with a focus switch. When you get to the application questions, you mostly WON’T talk about yourselves today. But since we need to talk about marriages, let’s do this: Take a couple of minutes and think of two marriages or serious relationships you know fairly well – but ones that involve people that no one in your discussion group will know or is likely to ever meet (i.e., your cousin in Milwaukee, an old college roommate, etc). One should be a couple you think “got it right” and the other, one that had/has real problems or maybe didn’t last. For most of the discussions you’ll use THESE couples as examples of what works and what doesn’t… and then, at the end, you’ll be able to apply lessons/insights personally in the group and/or with God. (Note: this will work better if you can think of examples where the relationships lasted some time and you have a pretty good sense of the nature of the relationships).

1. For now, we’ll start with some general ideas: First, what have YOU thought was the best route for someone to find Mr./Ms. “Right”?
a. Meet as many people as you can and hope someone clicks (and clicks back)
b. Be on constant watch and when you see a “target”… go for it.
c. Wait for God to bring the right person to your door
d. Keep looking in wider circles until you get a “hit”
e. Arranged marriages aren’t such a bad idea after all……
f. Other _______________________

Spend a bit of time in the group talking about what approaches people try to getting the right match.

How do web-matches fit in here? Have you ever used e-harmony or match.com… or do you know about it? Spend a couple of minutes in the group to talk about what is good and what is bad about using to web to try to find “THE person”. (10 minutes)

2. Ted talked about four types of compatibility that are essential in a good, lasting marriage:

Social – similar life styles and ways of operating – enjoy each other’s company
Sexual – physical intimacy that includes some sort of “soul bonding”
Spiritual – having similar spiritual commitments…running toward God together
Values – having similar core ideas about right and wrong

Now we’ll use your two “examples” to think about these areas of compatibility. If you are in a larger group, start by pairing off so you’ll have time to dig into what does and doesn’t work in a relationship.

Now, start with Social compatibility and think about your two example relationships. Were (are) the couples compatible in terms of their lives and what they liked and didn’t like? Take some time to share back and forth with your partner about how this part of the relationships affected each one. Write down any key observations for later discussion.

Next, what about Sexual compatibility? In your example relationships, to what degree was sex limited to the marriage (at least that you know). Do you know or sense whether there was genuinely open soul-bonding that went along with any physical bonding? How did this type of sexual bond (or lack thereof) effect the relationship? Discuss with your partner and again, note your observations.

Spiritual compatibility: How did the people in the relationships relate to each other spiritually? Did they have the same beliefs, the same levels of commitment, the same focus? Discuss again and note any key features.

And last but surely not least, what about Value compatibility? Can you identify any signs that your example couples did or didn’t share the same core values? Discuss and then note any lessons/insights on this as well.
(25 – 30 minutes total)

3. Now let’s bring it all together in the larger group. Go around and have each discussion pair note what was the most important area(s) of compatibility for the “good” relationships they discussed and what was the most damaging gap in the relationships that didn’t work. End with a discussion of any observations from all the pairs: Where there common conclusions? Were the important factors the same or different for the working and not working relationships? (10 – 15 minutes).

4. Let’s end with some personal reflection… did anything strike you during the discussions that you can use in your own life? If you are married or in a significant relationship, is there an area of compatibility you need to grow or repair? If you are not in a relationship, is there a change in the way you want to think about pursuing a relationship – if that’s what you want. What about in supporting any relationship of people close to you? Write down any commitments you want to make and then take a minute or two to ask God to show you how to follow through on the commitment. If needed, write down your first step and when you’ll take it. (2 - 5 minutes)

Bible verses from this message:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:22

Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
Proverbs 15:17

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome [spouse].
Proverbs 25:24)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I Corinthians 13:5-7

God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity. Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God.
I Thessalonians 4

The purposes of the human heart are deep waters, but those who have insight draw them out.
Proverbs 20:5

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers . . . What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
II Corinthians 6:14-15

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I Peter 3:3-4

Related Next-Step Resources:

• Check out relationship building resources at Gateway's Way of Christ Next-Steps Website)


• Prior Sunday message is usual available by the Tuesday following the message (audio available at Gateway's Sunday Message Archive)